Life Notes
By Stacy Hawkins Adams
Theme: Connect with your ‘Tween’ now to make the journey smoother
Two weeks ago in this space, parents of teens received advice on how to better understand, communicate with and appreciate the adolescents with whom they live.
Child development expert Susan M. Brown’s tips were so helpful that she’s back today to share with parents of the younger set – including me – what we can do to strengthen our connection with our “tweens.”
If you haven’t heard this term before, it is used interchangeably with the word “tweener” to describe youths ages 9 to 12.
“They’re not really (young children), but they’re not yet teens,” said Brown, a parent educator with Commonwealth Parenting.
A lot happens developmentally and physically during this three-year span, she said.
“The 9 and 10 year olds are still pretty connected to their parents and enjoy family outings and vacations and time together, but as they move through that tweener subset toward the other end, it really starts to shift,” she said.
“Particularly with 12 year olds, it becomes more about … being on the phone and on the computer and being plugged in - literally and figuratively - to their peers.”
If you randomly paired a set of tweens, you’d see that despite the label, no two are alike.
“You could have an 11-year-old girl who’s looking like a teenager, with a very developed body, who has reached almost her full height, and then you could have girls who are very underdeveloped and look like little girls,” Brown said. “Some boys get tall and maybe grow a beard. The small, underdeveloped boys whose voices haven’t changed and are puny tend to be outcasts.”
Then there’s that whole ‘mean girl’ thing.
“Girls start to get into cliques at this age,” Brown said. “Here’s what parents need to understand: All girls at this age are struggling with self-esteem and the images in pop culture that are all about being skinny and (looking perfect.)
“As you approach puberty, you have to have a certain amount of body fat in order for your hormones to kick in,” she said. “Girls begin to round out, (then) they look at magazines and videos and say, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m fat!’
“So we have a culture of girls who are not particularly feeling good about themselves and in their very faulty thinking, if they put others down, they think it’s going to elevate them,” Brown said.
Among the few things parents can be fairly assured of with their 9 and 10 year olds is that they are still willing to follow Mom and Dad’s lead, Brown said.
For that reason, it’s imperative during these years for parents to discuss weighty issues – family values, personal beliefs and expectations, she said.
Talking heavy stuff with 9 and 10 years olds may seem overzealous to many of us, but Brown insists this is the appropriate age.
“Parents think we have lots of time for this, but this is the time, because kids still want to know what you think, and they want your approval,” she said. “Parents want to share their limits and boundaries and let kids know what they expect of them in terms of drinking and smoking and sex, because the window begins to close at 11 and 12.
“Once they turn to their peers, if we haven’t gotten that message in there loud and strong, it’s easy for kids to get pulled off track,” Brown said.
Regardless of whether they’ll admit it, the tween years are also the period when kids crave security, she said.
“Children at this age are in a state of chaos,” Brown said. “Their bodies are changing, school is becoming more demanding, they’re figuring out how to make friends and be with the opposite sex and negotiate life.
“Internally, there’s all this chaos, so externally, we need this safe place to land, (such as) a predictable, routine family life,” she said. “Make sure your home is a place that your kids feel comfortable bringing their friends, because you want them to be home with their family and have friends around.”
Most importantly, Brown said, parents should enjoy this stage in their children’s development, “because it gets harder.
“The message to parents is get them talking and stay connected to them,” she said. “This is the age when you want to do your work.”
© Stacy Hawkins Adams
Tips on Parenting Tweens:
To thrive during the tween years, parent educator Susan M. Brown says parents should know that:
- This is a time when kids want to fit in, not stand out
- Kids this age need lots of help with organizational skills –“You don’t want to over-parent or organize for them, but teach them the skills and give them the tools they need so you don’t have to nag them.”
- Choosing battles is wise. Consider backing off on their messy rooms (which reflects their messy emotions) and focus on strengthening their organizational skills.
- Giving them more responsibility empowers them. “Once children can do something for themselves, that becomes their job unless they’re sick or have exams.”
