Stacy Hawkins Adams

Life Notes
By Stacy Hawkins Adams
Theme: Riding the Roller Coaster - Living with Teens

If you’re the parent of teens, don’t despair.

You may not speak their language, understand their style or appreciate their angst, but according to a local child development specialist, you’re normal and so are they.

“There has never been a time where there is a broader gap between what kids are into and parents’ comfort level,” said Susan M. Brown, a parent educator with Commonwealth Parenting who has more than 30 years of experience. “Children are so savvy technologically. Parents feel so out of the loop and so frightened by what they don’t know and understand, that they want information.”

Brown , the parent of an adult son, regularly leads workshops and speaks at churches and schools about teen issues.

Today she offers parents tools to help their families thrive during these critical years.

Understand Teen Development. “Never underestimate the power of raging hormones,” Brown said. “Teenagers have 10 to 12 surges of hormones throughout the day, and they are just flooded and overpowered by emotions. It’s very hard to reason with them. The hormones aren’t just about sexuality. They govern mood, sleep, risk-taking behavior. Teens are trying to deal with their own inner equilibrium, just trying to keep it together. It’s not about you.”
Accept Some Rejection. “It’s a natural developmental process for teens to pull away from their parents. A 2 ½ year old will do it when (he) goes through separation anxiety. Teenagers do it because they have this awareness that their future is not in the home with you, but with their peers. Because they don’t have the best social skills, they pull themselves away in ways that are not always comfortable and attractive. They do it by rejecting our values; our tastes in clothes, food and music; our religion or going somewhere with us. It’s a way to say, ‘I am establishing my own identity.’

“I want parents to rejoice in this and know that this is important for (their teens) to be fully fleshed out individuals. But you also have to set boundaries and expectations about respect and cooperation. ”

Learn to Compromise. “Look for the place between yes and no that allows your teen some freedom and independence, but also gives you peace of mind. Not when it comes to big things, like morals and safety; but if your teen asks to go to the beach for a week without adult supervision, instead of just saying no, you may say, ‘I am going with you, but I don’t need to trail you around all week.’ “Maybe have your teen sign a written contract about not drinking and driving. I like to use written contracts with teens, because it says to them that this is really important.”

Control Your Emotions. “When you get calm, you can parent from your skills and tools rather than your anxiety.”
Give them Freedom. “It’s human nature…to want to clamp down and hold them close and tight, because the stakes get higher. But you can’t do that, because once they get to college, these are the kids that go nuts and test the limits. You have to let them know what you want for them and that you’re on their side.”
Share Your Expectations. “Something you want to continue to tell your teen is, ‘We as your parents want you to have freedom. In order for us to give you that, we need to see responsible, mature behavior: good grades, remembering your homework, not losing your glasses, being where you say you’re going to be.’ You have to tell them what that looks like. If you catch your teen in a lie, you tell (him or her), ‘I need to trust you in order to give you more freedom and responsibility.’”

While Brown advises parents, she also conveys messages that youths ask her to share with the adults in their lives:

Listen. “When parents say, ‘Let’s talk,’ it’s usually a lecture instead of a conversation. You want to do more listening than talking,” Brown said.
Earn your teen’s trust. “That means being honest and truthful with them, and when they come to you with important information, they need to know they have your confidence. Mostly with moms, teens (complain), ‘They go to all of their friends and their friends know all of my business.’ If you’re not trustworthy, you’re not going to have a kid confide in you.’”
Discipline with confidence. “They don’t mind when their parents are strict if they know it comes from love and concern. They’ll say, ‘I don’t know why my parents feel so bad – that’s their job.’”

Parenting Books:
Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl To the Mall?
by Anthony E. Wolf
Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux; Revised Edition edition (August 1, 2002) Cost: $14.00

Please Stop the Roller Coaster! by Sue Blaney
Publisher: ChangeWorks Publishing & Consulting
Cost: $29.95