Life Notes
By Stacy Hawkins Adams
Theme: If Parents Manage Their Stress, The Whole Family Becomes More Balanced
Look around and I’m willing to bet that you’re hard-pressed to identify a parent who isn’t experiencing stress.
Whether it be from the unrelenting responsibilities that come with mothering and fathering, overwhelming demands at work, the need to find a job, worrisome issues with the kids, or some combination of all the above, most parents could benefit from a Calgon bath or a simple day of rest.
Add to the equation the fallout from our nation’s economic tailspin, and it’s a given many people are trying to cope with a new normal.
What parents may not realize, however, is that despite efforts to mask their worries, the duress they’re feeling still may be evident to their children.
To keep the children happy, mama (and daddy) need to be happy, or at least content.
Reducing or eliminating stress is critical to reaching that state of mind.
According to California-based marriage and family therapist Ron Huxley, parents’ efforts to better manage life’s challenges can help the entire family thrive.
Two critical steps to reducing stress are to first recognize it and figure out what’s causing it, said Huxley, a father and stepfather who operates the website TheParentingToolbox.com.
“With economic stress, we’re really talking about fear, and how to manage uncertainty about the future,” Huxley said. “Part of that is realistic – ‘Am I going to get food on the table? Are we going to be homeless?’
“But the part that makes it difficult is the non-rational side, where people get catastrophic and become so fearful that it debilitates their ability to problem solve, and they make a situation worse.”
That emotional stress may lead parents to numb themselves with drugs or alcohol, or become more critical of their children. That, in turn, causes the children to act out.
“It’s the ‘kick the dog’ syndrome,” Huxley said. “You have a bad day at work because the boss yells at you. You yell at the kid. The kid gets angry and goes out and kicks the dog.”
Rather than giving in to the cycle, Huxley advises moms and dads consider parenting differently during this season.
“This is a time for the family to come together, to pool together their emotional resources as well as their material resources,” he said. “The kids need more physical contact, more family meetings.”
Parents naturally want to shield their children from big concerns, he said, but talking about the family’s circumstances in an age-appropriate manner and with a positive attitude will help keep everyone centered.
“Kids are not so much concerned about whether they will have the newest sneakers,” Huxley said, “they are more concerned about, ‘Are we going to die?’ and about needing their parents.”
Huxley’s tips for reducing your stress level and reassuring your children follow.
* Incorporate ‘Time In’ into your discipline method.
“This is not a time for time out, because kids are feeling isolated and fearful already. Instead, they need more physical contact with their parents. When a kid misbehaves, realize that this is not about the behavior, but what fueled the behavior, which is the fear that we’re all feeling.
After addressing the behavior with the child, “read a story together or go outside to throw the ball or walk the dog. This is ‘time in.’”
* Take care of yourself.
“Parents can’t give a child what you don’t have. I’m not talking material things. I’m talking emotional resources. Talk to someone who’s supportive. If you can’t find supportive people in your natural network, there are nonprofit therapists out there who work on sliding scale or no fee. You can also seek help from a local church or the YWCA.
Create a “what if” plan.
“Set down concrete steps about what you are going to do in various scenarios, (such as) if you lose the house or car. Talk to supportive people and you’ll find they’re willing to help you.”
Do negativity cleanse or fast.
“Make a pact with your family and with yourself that you can’t afford a negative thought or idea (during this period). Do not allow yourself to get into a negative place. This doesn’t mean you deny that your situation is real; it’s deciding not to throw yourself under the bus, on top of everything else.”
Be good forgivers.
You’re going to blow up if you’re under stress. You have to be able to say, ‘I messed up; please forgive me. I’m really angry about my situation; it’s not about you.’ Most people, including your kids, will understand.”
Ultimately, Huxley asserts, managing stress is learning to manage your life, and as you learn, the kids who are watching you learn.
“The reason stressful situations bring out the worst in us is because a lot of us have unresolved grief or insecurities in our lives – you grew up with an alcoholic father, for example, or lived in a military family that moved every three months and you never made friends. Those things that you thought were gone suddenly come screaming back into the picture.”
When you develop solid coping strategies, Huxley said, “they’ll go as quickly as they came.”
And eventually, so will the stressors that triggered your trying time. The key is to stay balanced, optimistic and connected.
©Stacy Hawkins Adams
For more information on managing stress and the daily issues of parenting, visit www.TheParentingToolbox.com
