Life Notes
By Stacy Hawkins Adams
Theme: Children Grieve Too; How to Help Them Cope
Amid the back-to-school frenzy and resumption of extracurricular activities, many families find themselves coping with loss.
The seventh anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks looms.
The third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina recently passed. Many residents of New Orleans relived the fear and loss that accompanied that historic storm last week, when Tropical Storm Gustav threatened to make landfall.
Soldiers, who are also husbands, fathers, uncles and brothers, continue to die in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Every day, people who are close to us breathe their last breath.
It’s important for parents to remember that while they are grieving, so are their children.
If you’re the caretaker of a youth coping with the loss of parent, grandparent or other beloved relative or friend, experts say the best way to help them heal is to allow them to grieve in their own way.
Lynne B. Hughes is the founder and chief executive officer of Comfort Zone Camp, the nation’s largest independent bereavement camp for children. Hughes experienced the death of both parents by age 12, and through her camp, has helped thousands of youths dealing with loss.
Robin Jones is a prevention consultant with Chesterfield County Mental Health Support Services in Chesterfield, Va., and frequently counsels grieving families and children.
Hughes and Jones shared key criteria for helping children confronted with death:
- Describe the death in terms children understand.
Jones: We might want to say, ‘Daddy went to heaven, Daddy passed on,’ but that’s … too abstract. Children understand the concept of a toy not working anymore. You can say, ‘Grandma got sick. Not the kind of sick we get, but a really bad sick. Her body broke, and that means she died.’
- Understand that children grieve differently than adults.
Hughes: They keep up their extracurricular activities and their grades. They grieve in these little short bursts. They may fall and skin their knee and cry, and the crying (continues) because they miss their mom.
Jones: I’ll have a parent call me and say, ‘I gave them the news and they asked if they could go out and play.’ They might go out and play and come back and say, ‘When is daddy coming home?’ You might have to explain it over and over again. Don’t get too caught up in whether there are a whole lot of tears or a whole lot of talk, because we each experience our grief differently.
- Keep Communication Open.
Jones: ”If a child is already sad and grieving, it’s on their mind. Say to a child, ‘You look sad. Do you need to talk about it?’ Let the child know that tears are all right, and it’s okay to be sad. It’s even okay to be angry if you’ve had a serious loss. Just lie in bed beside them and be quiet and let whatever comes up come up for them.
- Regularly remember the deceased loved one.
Hughes: Kids need somebody to tell them the stories of their loved ones. Were they funny or serious? What did they want to be when they grew up? Getting answers to those questions is part of figuring out who they are. The kids really do like hearing it, even if they don’t overtly show it.
Holidays and birthdays will be easer if you find ways to stay connected to the (deceased) loved one. Some families have a standing tradition at Christmas to remember their loved one, or the child may play a song in that person’s honor when (the child) gets married.
- Don’t impose expectations about the grief process.
Hughes: Those who haven’t experienced death want to believe there’s a timeline. There’s not. Some people grieve for six months and some for three years. It’s something you get up and deal with every day of your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t lead a happy life…you just have to incorporate this and (create) a new normal.
- Reassure children that they have a safety net.
The biggest question children want answered when a parent dies is who is going to take care of them, Hughes and Jones said.
Hughes: Have the child help you make a plan. Reassure the child that the odds of losing the other parent are so small, but ask if something did happen, would they rather stay with Grandma or Aunt Patty?
- Expect grief to return over the course of the child’s life.
Jones: You might lose mom as a 3 year old, but when you’re 12 and going through puberty, you’re going to re-experience that loss. It will happen again when you have your graduation and your wedding. The loss grows with the child. Run your child through a grief support group as often as you feel they need it.
Hughes and Jones agree that while parents want to protect their children, their best gift is to be available.
“You can’t take away the seriousness of the loss,” Jones said. “You just have to help the child through it.”
© Stacy Hawkins Adams
BOOK - You Are Not Alone: Teens Talk About Life after the Loss of a Parent, by Lynne B. Hughes (ages 12 and up) (Scholastic Press, $16.99, hardcover)
