Life Notes
By Stacy Hawkins Adams
Theme: Parents Should Talk to Teens About Domestic Violence
Teachable moments don’t always present themselves when parents are most ready or comfortable.
My kids are just 10 and 7, and I would prefer for the extent of their knowledge of domestic abuse to be what Scar did to his brother and nephew, Mufasa and Simba, in the popular Disney movie, The Lion King.
But because we live in an era of 24/7 news coverage, and because in these times pop culture is as important to Americans as how the stock market is faring, my children know that R&B singer (and Tappahannock native) Chris Brown is accused of allegedly beating up his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, during an argument earlier this month.
Brown and Rihanna have been marketed as singers who, for the most part, provide music that’s appropriate for tender ears.
My daughter, a fifth grader, listens to some of the songs each has recorded.
When she heard about the alleged physical abuse, I knew it was time for one of “the talks” with her and with my son. Not the “big one,” but an important one.
Because of their ages, I kept it brief and simple. I emphasized the importance of boundaries and the dangers of allowing anyone to control you or hurt you.
I shared with them that according to statistics and the anecdotal reports of multiple victims of abuse, if a partner is violent once, the abuse will happen again.
My daughter and some of her friends began debating whether they should still listen to Brown’s music. Regardless of what they decide, it’s clear that if the allegations are true, the talented Brown needs help as much as he needs to be held accountable.
Reports have surfaced that Brown witnessed the physical abuse of a close relative when he was a child. Experts say children who grow up in abusive environments have a high likelihood of repeating that pattern.
Even with this legitimate explanation, should Rihanna forgive and forget?
I posed that question to my children to gauge what they already believe, well before dating is a possibility.
Arlene Vassell –Richards says now is the perfect time for every parent of a teen or pre-teen to ask similar questions, and to listen.
“Don’t shy away from this subject, because (teen domestic violence) is happening,” said
said Vassell-Richards, the child/youth advocacy coordinator for the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance. “If children are educated about the warning signs, at least they will be armed with the tools they need if they find themselves or a friend in an abusive situation.”
Based on national data, approximately 15.5 million children – including more than 300,000 in Virginia – are exposed to domestic violence each year, she said.
According to a teen dating violence program established by Liz Claiborne, Inc., dating violence is occurring among youths as young as age 11.
In a recent survey conducted by Liz Claiborne, Inc., 62 percent of tweens (ages 11 to 14) say they know friends who have been verbally abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend, but only half of all tweens said they knew the signs of a bad or hurtful relationship.
This same survey revealed that 1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by a partner.
“We get calls regularly from teens or their parents,” said Vassell-Richards, who manages the Alliance’s toll-free statewide hotline. “When teens call, we go through safety planning with them and ask if there’s a trusted adult in their lives that they can share their experiences with, for an intervention. Our advocates also provide support services that can (aid) parents.”
While it’s important for parents to reinforce the serious consequences of abusive relationships, the Alliance believes that programs geared to youths should help, too.
“We’re encouraging organizations to implement prevention programs, to teach teens the concepts of healthy relationships,” Vassell-Richards said.
The alleged altercation between Brown and Rihanna caused both of them to miss work – their scheduled performances at the Grammy Awards.
Teens who are currently in abusive relationships may not have such high profile plans derailed, but their dreams can be beaten to a pulp just as quickly if they don’t seek help.
Whatever happened with Brown and Rihanna, I wish these bright young stars healing and wisdom as they move forward.
And I hope youths everywhere will not just gossip about these celebrities, but realize that without knowledge and care, this could be them.
© Stacy Hawkins Adams
RESOURCES:
Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance
Toll-free, statewide hotline: 1-800-838-8238
Website: www.vadv.org
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474
Website www.loveisrespect.com
Liz Claiborne Inc. Teen Dating Violence Website
http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/
