Life Notes
By Stacy Hawkins Adams
Theme: Busy Families Can Find Some Balance
Parents, we’re at it again.
School is back in session, after-school practices are in full swing and other extracurricular activities are quickly filling the calendar.
In no particular order, they include some, or all, of the following: Soccer. Football. Dance. Swimming. Ballet. Piano. Hockey. Karate. Church activities. Homework. Birthday parties. Play dates.
Am I exaggerating, or have you found that when September arrives, your family teeters on the brink of, or falls full force into, being overbooked?
Even for parents and children with limited commitments, there’s often a race against the clock to complete assignments, enjoy a balanced dinner, make it to a few scheduled practices or meetings and get to bed on time.
Erin Brown Conroy, a long-time parenting coach and mother of 13, says busy lives have become such a norm for most American families that downtime seems absurd.
“One of the top issues parents face today is being able to fit it all in, especially if we’re working,” said Conroy, of Portage, Mich. Her children are ages 7 to 27 and include eight adoptees and two stepchildren.
“We want to be the best parents we can be,” she said. We’ve got sports, we’ve got music, we’ve got medical appointments.”
To avoid what Conroy calls the “overscheduling monster,” she advises families to prioritize, plan and adopt purposeful thinking
“We want to do so many good things, but we can’t do it all,” she said. “We’re not Superman or Superwoman. We have to choose between the good and the best. That means there will be seasons where some things are more important than others, and that’s okay.”
Conroy allows each of her children to choose one activity and regularly reminds them that it’s for the good of their family.
“The expectation of their peers is to do so much,” she said. “We hear, ‘Why can’t we be like so and so family?’ I (counter) with, ‘What if we were? How would that work for us? If we run around to basketball, tennis, swimming and ballet, how much time do you think we’re going to have to enjoy each other’s company? When would we cuddle and read our books? That’s what makes us close, isn’t it?’
“Particularly with the children 9 and older, I put those questions in their laps. Then they get to come up with the light bulb moment.”
Conroy advises the families she works with across the nation to sit down every Sunday afternoon with a calendar, or when they’re considering activities for fall or spring, and thoughtfully determine what will work best.
“We have a tendency to put things back to back and plan things just to the minute,” she said. “That’s setting yourself up for panic and for this stressed, anxious feeling all day, because you’re running against this gun of time.
“Build in half an hour so you can sit down and wait outside on the grass and talk before the next activity begins. That’s not wasted time – that’s purposeful, planned relationship time. You need to spend time looking at the grass together, playing trucks or watching a movie at night with your teens.”
Routinely assessing your family’s core values will help you decide how and where to devote your time, she said.
“I had a health scare this summer,” Conroy said. “All of a sudden things came sharply into focus. When a tragedy happens, you do stop, and you find out life keeps going. We need to have those moments where we ask what’s important before we get sick, someone gets hurt or a tragedy occurs. That’s how we know what to prioritize.
“I’ve had people ask why I’m so calm, why aren’t my kids jumping around, screaming and fighting,” Conroy said. “That’s because we’ve taken time to build that connectedness. There are a lot of good byproducts.”
Conroy has seen other families reap similar rewards when they have scaled back and learned to relax.
She urges more of us to give it a try.
“You can’t let yourself get sucked into so much of what the rest of the world is doing, because there’s a lot in the world right now that is unhealthy,” she said. “Doing the unhealthy because the neighbor is doing the unhealthy isn’t wise. We have to change our mindsets.”
©Stacy Hawkins Adams
