Life Notes
By Stacy Hawkins Adams
Theme: Parenting Takes Many Forms – Adoption has been a good one for these families
Despite what some want to believe, there are no perfect parents and there’s no perfect route to becoming one.
Depending on whom you ask, you may learn that while many families were planned, just as many “happened,” and some were fashioned in both ways.
Adoption resides in each camp, and whether a child came from the womb or with legal documents, their parents insist the love is the same.
They often don’t announce that a child they’ve taken into their homes and hearts is adopted and they rarely want others to make that distinction.
Take Kathy and Steve Dills, a Hanover County couple who regularly are mistaken as the grandparents of their 9-year-old adopted daughter, Minna.
“Sometimes people will say, “These two (her older children) look alike, but she doesn’t look like anyone,” said Kathy Dills, 49. “For the longest time I didn’t know how to handle that. Now I say, ‘You mean you don’t think she looks like me? Look at the resemblance!’”
The Dills two biological children were 13 and 15 when the couple adopted Minna in 2004.
They had occasionally provided respite care for her, and when they learned Minna might remain in foster care indefinitely, decided to help.
The couple contacted the Children’s Home Society of Virginia, a private, nonprofit adoption agency, to walk them through the process with their county social services department.
They attended parenting classes offered by the Children’s Home Society that didn’t sugarcoat issues adoptable older children face, and they prepared to work with a counselor to resolve challenges that might arise.
The Dills were fortunate that their request for a specific child could be honored.
But when Minna was placed with them, she treated the transition as a pit stop. She was 5 and had lived in at least five foster homes.
“She looked at me and said, ‘I’m not calling you Mom, because you’re not my Mom. Everybody who said they loved me really didn’t, so I’m not calling you Mom,’” Kathy Dills said.
“I said, ‘That’s fine – you don’t have to call me Mom, but you’re staying here forever,’” Dills recalled. “The day I told her I had signed her up for cheerleading, she looked at me and said, ‘Really? I’m going to call you Mom.’”
That milestone might seem trite to some, but Nadine Marsh-Carter, president and chief executive officer of the Children’s Home Society, considers it a steppingstone to solidifying a family’s bond, especially when a foster child’s hopes have been repeatedly dashed.
According to Marsh-Carter, Virginia is the worst state in the nation for allowing children to languish in foster care until they’re legal adults.
“We don’t have the highest number of children (in foster care), but we do in terms of children in the foster care system who never get adopted … and have no family of their own,” she said.
The Children’s Home Society is among a handful of local adoption agencies that partner with social services departments statewide to find permanent homes for these youths.
After an adjustment period, most adoptive parents and their extended families find the experience rewarding, said Marsh-Carter, an adoptive mother of two.
The Dills’ family and friends initially questioned their decision and their sanity.
“Now Kathy’s mom treats her just like one of the other grandkids,” Steve Dills said. “So do the aunts and uncles.”
Chesterfield County resident Michelle Samms also confronted doubts when, as a single woman in her late 20s, she became a foster parent and eventually adopted two girls.
Nevertheless, Samms’ deep love for children and a creative support system allowed her to help more than a dozen youths during a five-year period.
“I remember working full time and having two young foster children, (ages) 1 and 3,” said Samms, now 38. “I needed a babysitter and looked over and saw my neighbor sitting in her yard. She ended up sticking with me through the foster parent experience like a foster aunt or a grandmotherly figure. There’s always been a helping hand throughout this experience.
“Some people have trouble believing that you can love a foster child or adopted child as you would a biological child,” Samms said. “I love all of the children that have come through my home over the years, and I (began to) find that with each child that left, so did a piece of me.”
In 2003, Samms met two girls, ages 9 and 10, that she decided not to bid farewell
Since their adoption, her daughters (who are now 14 and 15 and are not biologically related) are thriving, Samms said.
“They are not perfect…but for the most part, they are really good children,” she said. “I try to show them that I may not always like what they do, but I will always love them, no matter what.”
Those ground rules are among the essentials for all parents.
“Combine a commitment to parenting with the proper training,” Marsh-Carter said, “and you get great results.”
© Stacy Hawkins Adams
